My thoughts

lasting things

2010-12-08T20:54:00.000-08:00

The unreal is more powerful than the real. Because nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it. Because its only intangible ideas, concepts, beliefs, fantasies that last. Stone crumbles. Wood rots. People, they die. But things as fragile as a thought, a dream, a legend, they can go on and on. If you can change the way people think. The way they see themselves. The way they see the world. You can change the way people live their lives. That's the only lasting thing you can create.

Long time no see...

2010-04-17T19:20:00.000-07:00

I realized I haven't made a blog in awhile. =( Things are going pretty good. I went to Seattle to see my friend that I haven't seen since we were 16. I got to met her 2 children and we drove to Idaho and I spent a week with my parents. Over all, it was a pretty good trip. I did not enjoy the cold,snow and wind...oh and the people that blew me off for photo shoots =( I really needed that money. It was nice to get away and out of the house but It was good to be back.
Had a great weekend, last week with my boyfriend. We went to Disneyland and had a great day together.
I've been pretty happy lately. I'm getting out of whatever I was in. My depression has been mia for awhile but I have been getting panic attacks again. I got on a medication that treats both..so, we'll see. I'm just hoping things get better soon. I'm waiting to hear on a job. X <- fingers =)
I love spending time with my boyfriend. He makes me happy and I love him. I wish I saw him more. I dont really have anything else to say. Nothing else too exciting is going on.

Maybe I'm Panglossian

2010-02-18T20:16:00.000-08:00

Sorry I haven't blogged in awhile. Having computer problems and cant really think of something to write.
Anyway.. Valentine's was nice. I got to see my boyfriend 2 days in a row. I enjoy the littlest things with him. Just hanging out and talking are awesome and I love it. I Was so happy last week. I went to his house for the first time. His mom was really nice and his bunny was cute. I made me really happy. :D

Despite feeling kinda blah/sick lately..I'm pretty happy. I quit smoking, almost 2 months now. I've been feeling really happy lately and have been probably harassing my boyfriend with all the lovey texts. I cant help it. He makes me happy. I still have a lot more to do/work on this year. I'm also looking into a few trips.. The next few months will be cool. I hope..if things work out. Also, sending my love and positive thoughts for my boyfriend to feel better.
I'm kinda sad. I found out my cousins are moving back east :( Now, we cant hang out..so sad :'( I'm gonna be even more alone now.
I'm going to stay optimistic and hope everything works out and gets better this year.

Idaho

2010-01-28T19:32:00.001-08:00

self-indulgent circus

2010-01-27T18:01:00.000-08:00

Not sure what to say..I was in a pretty good mood today but I'm sitting here in the dark listening to kinda sad music. I guess I am feeling..not really sad kinda nostalgic. I had a long talk with my mom about religion,beliefs and life. My mom is really an amazing woman with all the things she's put up with and dealt with. We have our differences and might not get along sometimes but she helps me a lot and has always been there for me. I think she tried to shelter me from a lot of bullshit as a child and protect me. She is a good woman and tries to help everyone and she is really sweet.I think she should be happy and I feel bad that she is not.
Parents tell you so many things to do/don't based on their life. My mom's big life lessons: Don't be with someone with an addictive personality."drugs/alcohol" Don't get married. If you get married make sure its someone you love for them. Don't expect someone to change cause they wont. What you see is what you get. You can't change a person..getting married and having a child wont change someone..mostly. Live, go do things and have experiences good and bad, they make you who you are and you'll have something to look back on.
I really wish I wasn't an only child, I wish I had brothers or sisters :( I told my mom today, I wish I was an aunt and I learned that she wishes she could be a grandma but she'll never experience that and I felt horrible that she said that. way to go mom for making me feel bad :'( Now I feel like I need to have a kid being an only child..I'm the only hope.
What else... I'm really happy with my boyfriend right now. Things are nice and I love him. It's a really good relationship and I'm happy.

Sims

2010-01-22T19:13:00.000-08:00

our first house and I think I'm doing some gross in the front yard.
Someone was caught watch porn online!
We got engaged in the park
and married in the cemetery.
I don't know why my soon to be husband is going out looking like that! Gay club maybe...
Yup, I'm pregnant.
The baby is coming!

Home from the hospital with our new son.

Liquid Sunshine

2010-01-21T19:24:00.000-08:00

Sitting here, enjoying the pouring rain and thunder. I can't express enough how much I love this weather. I love rain and thunder and lightening is a plus. I just wanna go stand outside in it and get soaking wet! I want to just lay in bed and have sex to the sound of the storm. :)

Thats pretty much all I'm doing is sitting here. My internet isn't working. I'm on stupid safe mode right now to use the internet. I hate it. Cant wait till I get this issue resolved.

Yesterday was mostly a good day. Aside from a few things it was nice. I really want to get my car fixed so I can leave my house. It sucks so bad sitting in my room for days. It would make things a lot easier also, If I could go visit my boyfriend so he didn't have to drive to me all the time and we could see each other more often. It would help out a lot with stress.

I really care and about him a lot and love him. I want everything to be good all the time and I want both of us to be happy.

On that note, I'm totally going outside to stand in the rain right now cuz i'm crazy.

Complex

2010-01-17T10:20:00.001-08:00

I don't know where to start. I'm feeling a lot better. I've spend the last week in pain and feeling sick from my medication.

I have a lot on my mind lately. I have no idea what to do about my life or where It's going. Sometimes, I feel things are never going to get better down here and I should just leave all the BS and plus I cant find a job around my house and I keep getting the threat of being kicked out. I really feel at a loss sometimes. I don't know what to do. If I move, I'll just be unhappy somewhere else. I don't want to move out of state though. I'm going to try my hardest to stay here. Some of my family are great and I don't want to leave them and I have a wonderful boyfriend.

Idk... I try not to think about things and stress out but then again I should for when It comes to that point. Really, the only thing keeping me strong right now is my boyfriend. He's giving me a reason to REALLY try hard to change my life. I don't now what I'd do without him. He's the only happiness in my life right now. I owe him soooo much and basically my life...I was feeling suicidal a month or two ago. Then I'm like if I can make it a few more days to see him and not hurt myself because when I'm with him I'm happy and forget everything else.☼ Its like we're detached from the rest of the world when we're together. ♥ love him every much. ♥

Inert

2010-01-12T20:20:00.000-08:00

I Dont mean to keep going all emo on my blogs. Things go up and down. Just when I think everything will be ok and get better. Something else comes up and its right back to that stress,depression, hopelessness. I don't know how much I can take. Sometimes I feel like I'm gonna have a mental break down. At this point I hate some members of my family so much for causing so much drama and bullshit. It's sad that people can be so hateful and cruel. All I want is happiness and to get along with people. So Fuck You! Thats all I have to say about everyone making me unhappy right now.

I just hope my boyfriend and I can make it through all this. I don't want to move. :(

I wish I felt better right now..I'm not up for drama. I'm sore and I'm sick of taking pills. I need a drink! I need to be cheered up :(

PS. I wish I was a mermaid!

Blog response 2 He Mang & About Me

2010-01-07T18:41:00.000-08:00

This is mostly a blog response to He Mang and also a little background on me.

Well, first off I'm not the most secure person in the world. I'm very shy and have little self esteem. Yes, I like to model not because I think I'm hot or anything. I like doing it and I like the outcome of really nice photos and it makes me feel pretty and happy with myself (short lived) and I also see tons of flaws I hate even more. Being told I'm pretty doesn't mean anything to me because I don't believe that I am. I honestly hate myself but then I'm thankful I'm not deformed or have major medical problems.

I've been shy my whole life. I have always been uncomfortable around other people. As a child I mostly kept to myself and had few friends. Not to mention being teased to the point where I'd come home crying every day from school because of girls calling me fat and ugly and boys throwing things at me or trying to fight me. Most of my friends in high school slept around a lot or did drugs and stuff. I was never like that. I never did anything too bad. I didn't party or anything. I mostly stayed home.

Being a teenager is when I started to have a lot of trust issues with people and mostly men. So called friends, stabbing me in the back and doing fucked up things to me. Something really bad happened to me when I was 16 which is why I'm super leery of people and take along time to open up and trust people. The first person I dated was kind of a douche who thought their friends were more important then me. I was always getting blown off and left alone so they could go party with their friends. Its like I was just there to be there. No real reason. Also, they went on dates with other girls (it was a favor to their friend cuz it was their cousin) I'm sorry but I wouldn't take my friend's cousin out as a favor when I was with someone. I also wouldn't go to parties with my friends and get drunk and shit and not even think to invite my boyfriend. Thats an asshole move and that most likely means you're doing something you don't want them to know about. I also found out about drugs and shit behind my back. It was to the point where it was pointless and unhappy and I'm not proud of how I acted at times either. I also did fucked up things and one ending at attempted suicide with depression pills and I cut my wrists and became a cutter after that. (I had bad depression and panic attacks)

So.. yeah, I do have trust issues and I get jealous about shit but I really try to hide it and if something really bothers me, I will let it be known but by no means am I a controlling bitch. It just takes me awhile to open up and trust people. Once I let you in, I'm super loyal, loving, caring and affectionate. All I want in life is to make people happy and be happy. I honestly think I'm a good person. I just wish I could be happy and get over things. Most things in my life I feel like I cant win.

Technology & Boredom Fuck Me

2010-01-05T16:01:00.000-08:00

As most of you know, I spend most of my time online out of boredom. Yeah, I do what I need to do then I have hours of nothingness. I keep myself entertained through Facebook and Twitter. Which is turning into a bad thing. I don't know what to do with myself other then talking to people and watching stuff online.

Today, I heard about a website that does social suicide. You enter all your usernames and passwords and it completely deletes your existence online. I'm thinking about doing it but then I would be so bored. I don't know what to do. Social networking sites are my life cuz i don't have one.

I'm not being emo today. I am depressed and shitty feeling but yesterday I was really happy and hyper. I'm not Bipolar. It just seems when I get really happy something always happens to pull me back down. I'm mostly my worst enemy. FML and Myself

Live and Love

2010-01-01T21:43:00.000-08:00

2009= shit! The year started ok. Got pretty shitty around May and got worse and worse till the end. So glad that year is over. 2010 is gonna be better! I'm going to try so fucking hard. I'm going to get my shit together and be happy. I'm going to try to care more about myself and less about others. I'm so tired of trying to please everyone and make everyone else happy and like me.

Last night was pretty awesome! Nothing else I'd rather do. Had a great dinner and I was in a pretty good mood. Had my first New Years kiss. So, I guess the year ended pretty nice and started wonderfully. This morning was a look into the future I'm hoping. I wish Every day was like that. I'm in a really good mood today. Hope this lasts. I'm full of love right now :)

Also, the art work above is by me. I hope everyone has an amazing new year!

Veracity

2009-12-30T11:43:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, I feel I'm too honest and I really need to keep my mouth shut. What some would view as a good quality is bad for me. I unintentionally offend, piss people off or hurt their feelings. Same goes with my humor. Once again, I have that feeling like I can never win or please anyone. I just don't know what to do sometimes. I would love to be a different person. I'm such a tool. :(

Indulgence

2009-12-29T22:32:00.000-08:00

Trying to think of something to do for New years. Not much luck though. :( Nothing sounds that great,too expensive or far away. I usually spend my New years at home; my cousins come over and we play video games and drink. Except last year, I went out with my other cousin and her husband and friend. They decided to tell everyone at their friend's party that it was my birthday, so it was embarrassing everyone wishing me happy birthday and it wasn't. So, yeah its usually pretty lame. I've never had a new years kiss either. Christmas was pretty good. My parents gave me some stuff i needed and my my boyfriend gave me cool presents. He actually got me things that are me and that I'd like. I really hate when people put no thought into presents and get you something where you're like..wtf? ok.. lol

wow, My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 months. Crazy. It seems really fast and along time at the same time. It's been pretty great though. So far, I think its the best relationship I've had. It's nice having someone care and do a lot for you and be respectful of you! Sometimes I feel like I'm gonna fuck it up because of things i say and do. :( IDK...I feel stupid sometimes. umm not sure what else to say. I thought I could write a lot but apparently not. haha. anyway guess I'll go and think of something awesome to write tomorrow. I'm sure I'll have something awesome at the end of the week but I probably cant talk about it. ;)

xoxox

Cherry

Ignoramus

2009-12-27T20:24:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel like the biggest idiot on the planet. It seems I ALWAYS say and do the wrong things to everyone. No wonder why people hate me. I'm socially retarded. I think I'm funny or doing the right thing and I'm more likely then not, not. I think I deserve to be alone and away from human contact. Why is it so hard to not fuck up? God, I feel like I'm a waste of creation. My whole life is a fuck up. I feel utterly worthless.Will anyone ever get me and understand me?

I guess Thats another thing I need to work on next year. Stop being funny and stop using social networking sites.Stop inserting foot in mouth! I totally see myself being lonely and pathetic my whole life. If I make it that long.

I'm feeling like an asshole today due to 3 fucked up emails about how I'm such a bad person. Can someone please help me? What do i do wrong? I try so fucking hard to get along and please everyone which is alway an epic fail. :( I can never win.

Sometimes I just want to cry or maybe its just the alcohol. Either way.

Libidinous

2009-12-26T20:23:00.001-08:00

Christmas ended up not being so bad. Visited my grandma at the cemetery and saw my boyfriend for a little bit. So glad when this shitty year is over. Looking forward to moving asap, working and starting school. I really hope something good is in my future.

I have so many emotions right now. I don't know what to do with myself. I need to get out of here, even a few days. I need a change of scenery and clear my head. I wish I could go on vacation.

Think I'll spend the rest of my night watching tv and planing a date.

I'll leave you with this. Yay Pockets! Boo Tight pants!

Callous

2009-12-25T00:59:00.000-08:00

At some point people need to grow the fuck up. Why do people love drama so much? I cant take anymore. I'm going to have mental breakdown if I get into one more argument or fight. So sick of people acting nice to me and stabbing me in the back and shit talking. Do people ever grow out of that behavior? I honestly just wanna be left alone. No bullshit, No drama. I just wanna get along with people and be happy. It's fucking Christmas drop your petty bullshit and grow up and show some respect for yourself and your family. Merry Christmas.

Schön

2009-12-22T20:54:00.000-08:00

Despite feeling kinda sick this morning. I feel really good today. I had a great day yesterday. Sometimes, I feel that things are going to work out and be fine. I really, really hope so. Right now only one person can make me happy. I feel so thankful. Right now my heart is full of love and I feel good. I wish I could feel this way everyday. There is nothing I want more right now then a hug and snuggle with someone special.

Capricious

2009-12-19T20:37:00.000-08:00

Today is much better. I got more sleep then usual last night and had a talk and feel better. Also, got a package from my parents so it was a decent day. Really hoping for something good to happen soon. I really want to be better in many ways. Next year I'm gonna really try to better myself and be happy no matter what. My darkness that I've managed to repress for several years is emerging again and I hate it. I've been told to mediate. That might help for a short period of time but I don't see that being helpful. I Dont want therapy again..waste of money. I'm opposed to being medicated. I really don't know...

Lurid

2009-12-18T11:29:00.000-08:00

Where to start... With all of my stress and depression lately. I have a lot of built up shit. Sometimes I just need someone to talk to. I feel kinda bad, last night I called my parents to ask a quick question. It turns into a hour long call with my dad. Whenever I talk to him he ever lets me get a word in and he always interrupts me or turns the convo on himself...anyway, I decided to tell him shit going on with me and about how I'm feeling depressed lately and how they always ignored my depression when I was a kid. I end up getting really upset and angry then broke down crying. It really sucked.

I feel really down today and from stressing myself out, my stomach is all messed up today and I didn't sleep last night.

I really need some good shit to start happening.

Lacuna

2009-12-17T12:00:00.000-08:00

Today is one of those days where something doesn't seem right. I woke up in a cloud of negative energy. I cant put my finger on it but I hope it passes. I don't like this distressed feeling. Just listening to music and trying to change my mind frame. There is something I want to do today. Guess I should get on it.

I need to get out of my house today...

Breath...

2009-12-13T20:07:00.000-08:00

Nothing new to really say. Still feel about the same. Still stressed about bills and moving :( But I feel so lucky to have my boyfriend right now. He's a really great person. I don't know what I'd do without him.

I'm feeling kinda sad about the holidays. I don't have any money to buy anyone presents. I was talking to my dad the other day and he sounded kind bothered about me not going to visit them. I just feel like an ass, having them buy me a ticket when they are broke and my mom might also be coming down here next month. Once again I always make the wrong decisions.

I feel like doing something really peaceful and relaxing..not sure.

One of those days

2009-12-11T22:16:00.000-08:00

Today started off decent. Woke up with my dog cuddling me and wanting to get pet. I try to keep to myself and I stay in my room all the time. I just feel like I cant get away from shit. It seems everyone has a problem with me and wants to cause drama and ignoring it is making it worse :( I really give up. I can't make anyone happy and I always say and do the wrong things. I just feel like a big loser right now. I'm getting hassled by the credit card people. I'm starting to stress out about my bills and finding a place to move. I need to find a cheap apartment asap...I need to get the fuck out of here! Tomorrow come faster!

There's hope

2009-12-10T17:00:00.000-08:00

I had an amazing night, last night. I had a talk and expressed my feelings. I feel a lot better about things. I'm so thankful for my boyfriend right now. He's so caring, understanding and sweet. I'm really hoping life will get better soon. I need to move and start school and plan for my future. I need to start taking life more seriously and also not try to stress about things.. I'm going through a transformation right now and changing my whole life and myself in a good way.

I'm excited what the future will bring. I'm feeling very optimistic and cheerful today.

One thing i'm stressing about is Christmas. I so wanna give a couple small gifts but I'm broke. Trying to think of something to do.

Blogging cherry

2009-12-09T13:16:00.000-08:00

I've never had a blog before so I'm not sure what to say. I'm not a very interesting person either so I doubt people will read this anyway :) I'll think of something totally awesome to write about though. I'm just sitting hear listening to music/getting ready for my day. My boyfriend will pick me up later this afternoon to hang out. Not sure what we are doing. Starbucks maybe.

I can't believe how cold its getting. I've been freezing! I've been spending my last 2 nights having a L word marathon with hot cocoa.

I guess I'm gonna go for now.