Well, first off I'm not the most secure person in the world. I'm very shy and have little self esteem. Yes, I like to model not because I think I'm hot or anything. I like doing it and I like the outcome of really nice photos and it makes me feel pretty and happy with myself (short lived) and I also see tons of flaws I hate even more. Being told I'm pretty doesn't mean anything to me because I don't believe that I am. I honestly hate myself but then I'm thankful I'm not deformed or have major medical problems.
I've been shy my whole life. I have always been uncomfortable around other people. As a child I mostly kept to myself and had few friends. Not to mention being teased to the point where I'd come home crying every day from school because of girls calling me fat and ugly and boys throwing things at me or trying to fight me. Most of my friends in high school slept around a lot or did drugs and stuff. I was never like that. I never did anything too bad. I didn't party or anything. I mostly stayed home.
Being a teenager is when I started to have a lot of trust issues with people and mostly men. So called friends, stabbing me in the back and doing fucked up things to me. Something really bad happened to me when I was 16 which is why I'm super leery of people and take along time to open up and trust people. The first person I dated was kind of a douche who thought their friends were more important then me. I was always getting blown off and left alone so they could go party with their friends. Its like I was just there to be there. No real reason. Also, they went on dates with other girls (it was a favor to their friend cuz it was their cousin) I'm sorry but I wouldn't take my friend's cousin out as a favor when I was with someone. I also wouldn't go to parties with my friends and get drunk and shit and not even think to invite my boyfriend. Thats an asshole move and that most likely means you're doing something you don't want them to know about. I also found out about drugs and shit behind my back. It was to the point where it was pointless and unhappy and I'm not proud of how I acted at times either. I also did fucked up things and one ending at attempted suicide with depression pills and I cut my wrists and became a cutter after that. (I had bad depression and panic attacks)
So.. yeah, I do have trust issues and I get jealous about shit but I really try to hide it and if something really bothers me, I will let it be known but by no means am I a controlling bitch. It just takes me awhile to open up and trust people. Once I let you in, I'm super loyal, loving, caring and affectionate. All I want in life is to make people happy and be happy. I honestly think I'm a good person. I just wish I could be happy and get over things. Most things in my life I feel like I cant win.
This makes me really sad. This sounds like it is practically impossible for you to be happy. And that you are in a constant state of depression. Which I can relate to. You had an unfair life from the start which is terrible considering that you are a very sweet, generous and loving person. I understand why you have trust issues now. That is a lot to have to go through. I think what most worries me is that you refer to yourself as a "cutter". Which sounds like you still do it. I too hope that someday you can find true happiness. You absolutely deserve it.
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